Sunlight streamed through Grandma's kitchen window, warming Sarah's face as she ate pancakes. Dad cracking jokes beside her. Every bite and every giggle with siblings felt like a root anchoring her to the ground. Her family was her rock, always there to help her through tough times.
Across the street, Andrea ate toast in silence, her smile brittle as thin ice. Memories, sharp and cold, stabbed at her like icicles. Her family, once a joyful garden, was now a field of broken glass. Their love, if it existed, was a heavy chain, dragging her down. Tears streamed down her face when she saw her father's anger carving lines onto her mother's face. Fear grew stronger than laughter; suspicion more fragrant than love. Years passed, but resentment always found a way to creep in through the cracks in their relationship.
Family is a constant no matter how old we grow, and every family has a story. For some, it is a constant source of sunshine, the wind at your back, always cheering you on through this marathon-like life. For others, it is only a source of pain, hurt, and burden. Like tangled shoestrings, making you fall and holding you back. Dysfunctional families affect your relationships with the external world (and even your own kids!)
Within the pages of the book “Drama Free,” by licensed therapist and bestselling relationship expert Nedra Glover Tawaab, you'll find clear, actionable advice to identify and understand dysfunctional family patterns. Along with tools to help you take control of your life and build a happier future, this summary will also cover a range of issues – from the profound effects of emotional neglect to the legacies of addiction, from absent parents to the often-unseen struggles with mental health faced within families. It will help you run strong, no matter what shoes you're wearing!
We Can’t Control Others
Emily was living on eggshells in her own home. Because of her father, every step felt cautious, every breath held, hoping not to trigger the next emotional explosion. Some of you would know that feeling. If so, you are not the only one. 1 out of every 4 people has a difficult family member. You try to be patient and tell yourself you're being the bigger person by putting up with them. But really, you're just letting them walk all over you. And as Glover warns, "Trying to handle unhealthy behaviours doesn’t build patience. Rather, it builds resentment." So, something has to give.There are two ways of dealing with something like this. First one is to simply endure. And we actually prefer that. Because you can't control or change how other people act, especially family. So a lot of us just go with the flow. But if you have endured long enough and nothing is changing, it is time to take the second path. This path takes courage, and unfolds in five steps:Stage #1 is what Glover calls Pre-contemplation. It’s before you connect the dots. We can be unaware or even blind to the problems. We can even be justifying the behaviour in our subconscious. Change seems impossible, even unnecessary. Stage #2 is Contemplation. Here, we start to think about changing and the benefits it’ll bring to us. Naturally, guilt and confusion become our unwelcome companions. Therapy is a safe space at this stage to untangle the knots of confusion and pain (so many opt for that option at this stage).Stage #3 is Preparation. These are the moments of minor modifications. Emily might do it when her father's voice turns harsh, setting a new boundary (like walking away), no matter how small it is, or inconsistent. They're like taking a single step before attempting a difficult journey.Stage #4 is Action. This is the most important moment where one decides to ditch the victim role and become the author of their own life. Emily might limit contact with her father, prioritize her well-being, or even choose silence, taking back control of her emotional space. This is where you start becoming your own.Stage #5 is Maintenance. You’ve changed and you’re fully committed to stay like that. Emily will remain vigilant, aware of the possibility of backsliding, but prepared to face it with consistency and grace.Yes, rebuilding healthy dynamics takes time and dedication,...
Control Your Own Reactions And Responses
Marco's Nana is a bright spark. Her house is always alive with laughter. Marco vividly remembers their wild adventures, late-night horror stories, and delicious family recipes. But, it's overflowing with "treasures" – expired coupons, newspapers from another time, yellow postcards and faded magazines. Marco loves his Nana dearly, but the mess! It wears him out. Sounds strange? Well, loving someone and being bugged by them aren't opposites! You can feel both. You know now that you can't change others. It hurts, but it doesn’t have to ruin your mental health, you know! Let us explain.Start with focusing on what you can control, that is you – yourself! Marco can't clean up the whole house, but he can carve out a calm corner for himself, a haven in the chaos. He can even offer a hand, suggest small tidy-up adventures, or maybe find someone to help Nana sort through her piles.Most importantly, expectations need a reality check. Picture-perfect is not going to happen. And you can't just go around assuming how someone's gonna behave based on the label you've slapped on them, like "friend," "parent," or whatever. That's not how it works. Every person is their own individual, right? So take the time to actually get to know them and then base your expectations on who they genuinely are, not just the part they play in your life. Get ready for emotionally immature adults. Age won’t make them wiser, or more responsible. This mindset will help navigate the waters with ease. Marco’s Nana may be 70, but she has the maturity of a messy pre-teen.Next, remember, clear communication is key. So, communicate your boundaries. Use honest, kind words about the situation. If required, have a blunt conversation. We can learn from Marco who has set boundaries for his space, his sanity, while supporting Nana, no judgment included. Tell your family member about your boundaries and speak up whenever these are violated. Even taking a step back and distancing yourself at times helps you see clearer. It doesn’t mean you’re abandoning.The house won't transform overnight, but Marco takes charge. He finds peace, sets limits, and who knows, maybe his haven inspires Nana to take her own little steps. You deserve healthy connections, especially with family. We learned how to handle connections while staying close, but now it's time to talk about when letting go might be the best option you’re left with.
Walk Away When Improvements Aren’t Forthcoming
Francis knew his world, his family, was different. Dad, Steve, wasn't like other dads. He'd explode in anger, mutter to himself, and sometimes, his eyes held a fear Jacob couldn't understand. Years of trying to change things – of being the perfect son, understanding the illness Bruce wouldn't acknowledge - left Jacob drained. The decision, the only one left, was hard as a punch to the gut: he had to let go.
First thing, it's not your fault if you’re stuck in a situation like this. Millions wrestle with family members whose illnesses twist relationships. Just like Francis, they try everything - patience, acceptance, even therapy for the other person. At times they work, at times they don’t. Nothing more you can do, other than walking away.
Besides, you don’t get to such extremes overnight. The seeds of estrangement, the resentment, the heartbreak - they grow for years. A forgotten birthday, cruel spoken words, a childhood trauma, a lifetime of walking on eggshells. And yet, letting go feels like betrayal. But a true family doesn't hurt you, it helps you grow.
It's not easy, walking away from family. Gets worse if you’re the care-giver figure to someone struggling with their mental health. Many families ignore mental illness like a storm in the basement. But when the storm keeps raging, when you're left battered and bruised, you can't just sit there. You have to find shelter, even if it's outside the familiar walls.
The guilt comes, heavy and thick like fog. Others might judge, call you cold. They’ll never understand the pain and hurt behind it. And survivor's guilt! So common for those who leave their siblings behind while escaping family storms. Remember, your journey to peace isn't selfish, it's brave. Healing yourself might pave the way for your siblings later.
Lastly, don't wait for an apology that may never come. Focus on forgiving yourself. Forgive what you may think was your selfishness. This choice, though painful, is a step towards a quieter, brighter future. Let it be your act of kindness towards the strongest person you know: yourself.
That reminds us, ever heard of the saying, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Glover explains just how true that can be.
Finding Your Chosen Family Outside The Given Family
Maya's childhood echoed with empty laughter. Her father, consumed by grief, retreated into work and silence. Her brother, lost in music, drifted away with each soaring note of his guitar. In their lonely house, Maya longed for warmth. Instead, she found it across the street, in the heart of a bustling bakery.Madame Chen, with her flour-dusted apron and twinkle in her eyes, welcomed Maya as if she were a lost kitten. The air, thick with the sweet scent of bread, offered a comforting contrast to the silence at home. Maya learned to braid dough, glaze pastries, and listen to Madame Chen's stories, each one a sprinkle of magic in her day.Soon, the bakery became more than a haven; it was family. The bakers, with their gruff jokes and calloused hands, became uncles and aunts. The aroma of fresh bread wasn't just a delicious scent, it was a lullaby of belonging. The clatter of mixing bowls replaced the silence that hung heavy in her own home.Touching, right? What we’re trying to tell you is that family isn't always where you’re born. Family is the hands that hold you when you fall, the ears that listen without judgment, and the hearts that fill the spaces others leave empty. Maya held onto this truth. She understood that sometimes, finding your true family requires stepping outside the lines of conventional expectation. Maya created her own support system, one that reached beyond the limitations of blood ties.It wasn't easy. There were tears shed over burnt batches and arguments about missed holidays. But through it all, Maya learned to prioritize her own well-being, to find in herself the love and understanding she sometimes craved from her biological family. In doing so, she became not only a healthier version of herself, but also someone who would be a conscious parent tomorrow. Someone who is strong enough to provide a home to the new generation. She wasn’t hesitant to seek a family outside her family, find people she could trustLike Maya, you can also open up to people, show your vulnerable side, and if they choose to stay by your side, listen to the unsaid, take a genuine interest in your life, then you have found your chosen family. Maintain that connection. Remember, not all relationships will end in your way but those that do will be cherished forever with love, respect and integrity! And here’s a little...
Mending Broken Hearts and Bridges in Your Dysfunctional Family Relationships
Every family is different, so is the nature of people and dysfunctional relationships. Hence, emotions can manifest in vastly diverse ways. And the truth is that no therapist, vice, or void-filler will truly help you move past the emotions you haven't fully worked through yet. Doesn’t mean we don’t have advice, though!With parents, the OG family, anger over a laundry list of unvoiced complaints can cloud the path. How do you mend this bond? You try to understand where your parents are coming from, and then focus only on the elements that you can actually influence. Stepping back and seeing them as individuals with their own stories and flaws, can be a first step. Try to gain perspective on where they came from and the struggles they faced. So, take that step and consider your parent as a whole person - use their first name instead of just "my mom" or "dad." Ask yourself: What is [Parent's Name]'s story? How did their life shape who they are today? At the end of the day, your parents are imperfect human beings who may have made mistakes, despite their best intentions. Understanding their side will not erase your pain, but it can build bridges where resentment once lived.The parent-child bond is potentially the strongest. But it can also be the most fragile. As children grow, their needs evolve. So, parents must evolve too. If your relationship with your child is not smooth, know that you messed up somewhere. Which is okay! You can fix it. Find out your mistakes by looking deep within. And again, changing your perspective can help, too. See things from your child’s lens. Like "Maybe being a single mom working 3 jobs meant I wasn't always there as you needed." You might have burnt yourself out working but maybe your child doesn’t see it that way. What they see is that you were unavailable to them. So, be what they need, not what you think they want. Consider that your teenager may want more independence and space to explore their interests, not your strategies to become a successful doctor. Remember, your definition of proper parenting might just be very different from theirs. Another twist in family drama is from the siblings. They are like boats in a storm. They are tossed around by winds of favouritism from parents. In many cases, the older sibling is weighed down because...
Chapter 8
Details coming soon.
Summary
Life can get messy, especially when family is involved. Countless stories reflect the tangled threads of family dysfunction. But here's the good news: you're not stuck in this mud. "You can't control who you get in life, but you can control how you respond to them." You may not change your family, but you can change yourself. Those childhood hurts? They're real, and heavy to carry. Relationships with parents, siblings, relatives – it's all complicated stuff. Yet, facing these messes, even if it scares you silly, is good for your soul. It's powerful self-care. It liberates you.
Maybe you need to build walls, like sturdy fences to keep you safe. Maybe it's time to walk away completely, choose peace over drama. Remember, you're grown-up now. You get to pick who's in your life and how you live your days. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
"It's never too late to learn the things you didn't learn in childhood." Be the change you wished your family could be. Break the cycle, rewrite your story. You have the power. So take a deep breath, Sarah, Aunt Claire, anyone feeling lost in the family maze. There's a brighter path just waiting to be woven, with threads of your own choosing. Start today!
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