How to Know a Person

Summary of 8 key concepts

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Introduction

We interact with lots of people everyday. But, how many of them do we really care enough about, to want to know them deeply? When was the last time, you undertook a long, respectful conversation with someone you disagreed with? Most of us are caught in superficialities like attire or formal mannerisms when we encounter someone. David Brooks believes that the foundation of a healthy society and community rests on our ability to see others deeply and also be deeply seen by others. Our capability to forge meaningful, warm and stronger bonds with each other is the hallmark of our social fabric.

But today, an individual in society is becoming more isolated than ever before! How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen (2023) by David Brooks addresses issues of loneliness and isolation and shows us how to forge deeper and more meaningful relationships, promoting empathy and understanding in today’s fragmented society.

Brooks writes for The New York Times, and The Atlantic, and works as a commentator on PBS NewsHour. He is a recognised political and cultural commentator and has authored best-selling books like The Second Mountain(2019), The Road to Character (2015), and The Social Animal (2011).

The Need To See Others Deeply And Be Seen!

The need to be seen by others and truly see others is the purest essence of humanity. Man, a social animal, is not meant to lead a life in isolation. Growing up in a reserved Jewish household, Brooks saw an emotionally detached upbringing and pursued comfort in solitary activities like writing. It was much later in life when he realised his resultant inability to express love and care openly and how it impacted his core relations. A series of broken relationships and other public failures opened his eyes to what was truly lacking in his life. Brooks understood how seeing others clearly and opening oneself to be seen deeply, can transform the dynamics of any kind of relationship and friendship.

Being seen is a feeling that brings the utmost fulfilment. Most of us feel thankful to that wise teacher, adamant coach or childhood friend who made us feel seen and believed in us as we grew up. Sometimes, even a pat on the back or a heartfelt conversation with a person who's equipped to make one feel seen and appreciated can change the trajectory of our lives. Getting warmth, affection, praise - or anything else you needed at a particular stage.

Similarly, we must appreciate and hone our skills to see others clearly, beyond the temporary looks and masks we put on. Deeply understanding others is absolutely crucial nowadays. It's vital for just about every relationship - being an effective teacher, doctor, friend, parent, spouse, and just navigating life smoothly. How else can you judge whether a potential business partner will be trustworthy and loyal? But it's about more than just pragmatics.

In today's pluralistic societies, the ability to accept differences is essential for societal cohesion. We evolved for homogenous tribes, but now we're trying to unite diverse cultures and backgrounds into one society - which requires cultivating mutual trust and perspective-taking across divides.

While learning to see someone can be tough, one must endeavour to cultivate this habit and work on it daily.

Be An Illuminator In A World Filled With Diminishers!

A diminisher is someone who makes you feel unseen and unimportant. Think about the self-absorbed ex who never wanted to know how your day went and was more concerned about their self-obsessive agenda. As opposed to a diminisher, an illuminator is someone who gives adequate attention to everyone he/she encounters. An illuminator displays exceptional sensitivity towards people’s moods and is actively curious about others. We all have that old kind neighbour who always asks the right questions of us. Or a friend who always lifts your spirits by displaying kind curiosity about your life? A person who makes you feel seen, respected and loved is your illuminator and that’s who we all must try to become for people around us. In a world filled with diminishers, dare to become an illuminator!The story of Dr. Ludwig Guttmann shows how an illuminator touches the lives of people in a meaningful manner. Dr Guttman, a Jew who fled Nazi Germany, is recognised for the exemplary work he did for paraplegics during the Second World War. After fleeing Germany, he came to work as a doctor in a hospital in the UK and noticed how most paraplegics were kept confined to beds and spent their time sleeping due to heavy doses of sedation. Guttman, an illuminator in spirit, empathised with their condition and decided to bring a change in the lives of people with disabilities. He decided to reduce the dosage of sedatives, urged the individuals to get out of bed and even encouraged them to play with balls. His efforts resulted in improvement in the mobility and condition of paraplegics. Consequently, he organised the Stoke Mandeville Games for war veterans who suffered from disabilities. His measures resulted in the launch of the Paralympic Games in 1960 and touched the lives of millions of paraplegics worldwide.Unfortunately, most of us behave like diminishes around people without even noticing it. The problem is that we never learn to listen to and see people for who they are. Just go people-watching sometime. Are any of them deeply engaged in conversations? Or is it just people sitting across each other while staring at the hopeless smart screens of their devices?We are all caught up in our narrow views and tend to give our opinions and viewpoints to others. Our listening skill can be easily developed over time if you're willing to put in some effort. Initially, one can...

The Ability To Hold A Conversation Is A Gift!

We love to have small conversations with people we meet at a bus stop or a supermarket. Occasionally, we might enjoy a friendly banter with a neighbour. But small talk does not have to be meaningless chatter or just an exchange of pleasantries. An interaction can also be an opportunity to hold a meaningful conversation; a two-way exchange which can create mutual understanding, paving the way towards a deep, longer conversation.Remember, being good at conversing does not mean being a stand-up comedian. Or worse, a lecturer! A meaningful conversation is something else. It's about paying full attention to the other and offering insightful commentaries or help as needed. People love talking about themselves, their favourite things and such. It helps if you give loving attention and listen to all they have to say. A good conversationalist lets the other person take the lead, asks relevant questions in between and lets a person speak freely for some time. Make a genuine effort to understand their perspective. Enquire about specifics of events they're excited to tell you about. Good conversationalists are like midwives - creating a safe space for the other person to understand their own insights and realisations. They gently prod toward deeper self-honesty by asking questions and offering new perspectives.The sad reality of today is that we all walk in a zombie-like trance. We rarely go beyond the exchange of pleasantries and are usually fixated on our smart gadgets even when we take a walk in our neighbourhood. The point is, you need to learn to give importance to face-to-face, healthy conversations, and create a positive atmosphere. No one will talk to you or feel valued if you start a conversation and then start staring at your phone or iPod. That’s what Brooks calls ‘dimmer’ attention. Like a faulty bulb, you know. Aim for keeping your attention switched ‘on.’ Remember, seeing someone deeply is our goal here, and holding a deep conversation is a key we require to really know a person.Brooks mentions his friend Andy Crouch. Brooks just loves talking to him. Why? The way that guy listens! He listens like an excited person at a church service. As you're speaking to Andy, he's not just sitting there quietly. No, he's making little sounds and reactions to show he's actively listening and into what you're saying. He'll let out grunts, says "aha!" like he's having realisations, shouts out "Amen!"...

Don't Shy Away From The Hard Conversations!

Ever wondered where we stand as a society when it comes to real connections? Well, we are in deep trouble if we take a look at surging suicide rates and rising social isolation. Do you know that there has been a 33% increase in suicide rates in America from 1999 to 2019? What could be the reason? Maybe technological dehumanisation? Or the ever-increasing political animosities? Or the fact that we feel more connected to strangers online, than real-life people?While we are more connected with each other online than in real life, natural and hard conversations are not happening in our society anymore. Some more statistics. Interestingly, between 1999 and 2019, the number of people who say that they have no close friends increased by four times. More than 35% of people reported that they felt lonely most of the time and more than 60% of these individuals were young adults. In case it was unclear, we have forgotten the art of seeing people and being seen. And people are feeling more isolated than ever before!So, what will a person resort to when they don't spend enough quality time with friends? We get agitated. The rise in rates of hate crimes saw the highest level in 12 years in 2021. This figure is a direct consequence of what loneliness and isolation can do to an individual and society.A turn to politics is also seen as a natural consequence of today's fragmented society where political parties misdirect this pent-up anger in people, resulting in a surge in hostility against the 'other groups'. Remember, your social media banter might get you record likes from like-minded lonely and frustrated people, but online shaming will not help you to create real and deep connections and friendships with people. Today, more than ever, we need to have hard conversations and create respect and understanding with even those who belong to opposing partisan groups.We have forgotten the simple art of having a hard conversation without resorting to shouting, blaming and disrespecting. We feel entitled to our narrow-minded opinions and feel free to disrespect everyone who disagrees with our worldview. Today, it is rare to find a genuine vibe in someone who's willing to listen to you with kindness and respect.The author travelled across the country and reported that individuals are feeling more hostile and angry than ever before. He's found himself in situations where it was difficult...

It Is All About Understanding Multiple Perspectives!

Do you love to converse with people who share your perspective on life? It's easy to forge a connection with them. But, completely agreeing and sharing perspectives is rare! So, at one point or another, you’ll find yourself in conversation with someone who has a completely different perspective. And it will be tough to hold a conversation with them! But it’s not impossible.See, our unique perspectives are a result of our cultural setup, personal experiences, beliefs, traumas, etc. So, an individual's perspective is always a subjective assessment of reality. They literally see a different world! And that's what we need to accept in life- we are built by our circumstances and often see the world from our narrow viewpoints. Culture and background also play an important role in defining our worldview. Sometimes, we do something which a person from another cultural background might not necessarily be comfortable doing. For instance, did you know that more than 90% of people in the USA and Canada do not like the idea of lying under oath to support a friend? On the contrary, individuals from countries like South Korea and Nepal are comfortable with the idea. So, understanding a person from a cultural perspective is also crucial and helps you in seeing an individual in entirety.We also perceive through biases and judgements. But, perspectives can alter and we've the inbuilt capacity to put ourselves in other's shoes if we want to.And sometimes, it takes a monumental event to change our perspective. It so happened that French writer Emmanuel Carrere and his girlfriend Helene were vacationing in Sri Lanka when a massive Tsunami wreaked havoc in 2004. While vacationing, Carrere met other tourists as well and some of the survivors formed a small community to share their grief and pain due to the tragic event. Carrere believed that the tragic demise of Juliette, daughter of Jerome and her partner Delphine in the tsunami really altered his temperament and life view. Jerome's complete support and love for his wife Delphine moved Carrere to get out of his self-absorption and help others while they underwent big tragedies. Both families supported and helped each other and Carrere felt like his bond with Helene also transformed due to the pain.The theory of constructionism comes in handy here - it suggests that we actively construct our perception of reality based on our life experiences. Our unique life story gives...

Develop empathy and be present for your loved ones!

Is it too late to save someone teethering on the verge? Sometimes, life teaches the lesson the hard way! David Brooks' life changed when his close friend Pete, a man known for a sunny temperament, suddenly ended his life. The author could not believe that a person who seemed to be happy would take such a step. Brooks realised that helping a person who is in a depressive state of mind requires extra effort. Putting energy into trying to cheer up a loved one is simply not enough.

Rather, showing complete acceptance of the situation is required. You must also learn to treat the individual with respect and love. Little efforts like checking up on someone daily might make a difference. Show that you understand their suffering and are wholeheartedly available for support. Cultivating empathy is relevant here, and the author believes that empathy is a skill that can be perfected with time. Empathy is our ability to mentalize someone else's situation and try to see life from someone else's perspective. For instance, a teacher who works at kindergarten learns to understand the state of mind of a child during the first day at school. The teacher will undertake the necessary steps to make the child feel secure and safe in a new environment. Mentalizing opens the way to care.

A good teacher will eventually develop a caring attitude towards the children and understand the needs of a child who is away from the parents for the first time. So, when one cultivates a caring disposition, he/ she understands that we all have different needs. One must learn to take care of an individual as per the situation.

Today, many people are suffering from a variety of insecurities and fears. A world with more empathetic people will become a happier and safer place to live!

Summary

How to Know a Person by David Brooks is a perfect read for people who wish to see others deeply and also want to be seen. The fragmented and divisive world where we live creates an increasingly isolated human being. The author believes in the power of good conversations and suggests healthy interactions as a way to forge authentic and deep bonds with everyone. Brooks suggests that we need to look past our perspectives, upbringing and beliefs if we wish to see people for who they really are. Each person is a unique entity and deserves to be loved, appreciated and seen so that there's balance and harmony in society.

Key concepts in How to Know a Person

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About the Author

David Brooks is a Canadian-born American conservative political and cultural commentator who writes for The New York Times. He has worked as a film critic for The Washington Times, a reporter and later op-ed editor for The Wall Street Journal, a senior editor at The Weekly Standard from its inception, a contributing editor at Newsweek, and The Atlantic Monthly, in addition to working as a commentator on NPR and the PBS NewsHour.

More on: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Brooks_(commentator)