Raising kids ain't easy. And modern parenting is a whole minefield! How do you keep your little munchkins safe online and set good limits? How do you instill empathy, but also teach them to stand up for themselves? How to win enough of their trust so they'll listen, not rebel? Parenting piles up worries that can eat you alive! Forget about the viral videos, it’s time we take lessons from research and lived experiences. Parents! Let's not focus only on achievements and talk about rearing a happy, kind, and well-adjusted member of the community. 

How To Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results (2019) by Esther Wojcicki is all about raising children with independence, kindness, and success. The author shares a TRICK approach to child rearing - Trust, Respect, Independence, Collaboration, and Kindness. It is ideal for new parents and even for managers who want to motivate their staff. 

Esther Wojcicki, journalist, teacher, entrepreneur, and mother of three, has won several awards including the 2011 Charles O’Malley Award from Columbia Scholastic Press. In 2002, the California Commission on Teacher Credentialing named her Teacher of the Year.

There’s no user manual for parenting! Most new parents just follow the parenting behavior of their own parents. But is it fine to blindly emulate your parents' parenting style? Well, if your childhood was happy and secure, you might think, "Yes, of course!" But what about people who experience a traumatic childhood? Who do they follow? Well, they need to learn from their parent's mistakes and avoid repeating bad parenting behaviors. In a way, they know what NOT to do! Tricky, but helpful. 

Esther Wojcicki shares her own story as an example. As a new mother, Wojcicki focused on parenting differently than her orthodox Jewish parents had when she was young. Her goal was to raise daughters who felt supported in exploring their interests and voices. She always encouraged her girls to take control of their own lives. She decided to give them the independence to choose even in the most basic situations -

whether they preferred staying in the room or wanted to play outdoors. Tiny steps, but huge compared to the zero control she had growing up. 

Can you imagine what it must have been like for a young girl to hear from her own father that she doesn't matter as much as her brother? That's the world our author grew up in. She witnessed an upbringing where her brother was showered with more attention and even more food. To add insult to injury, her parents stated that a woman’s place was simply in the kitchen. But, she refused it all. She mustered enough courage to leave her house at the age of 18 and chose education over marriage. Sadly, she was cut off financially by her parents and survived with her own hard work. 

See how Wojcicki used her messy childhood as a guide? She chose to emulate only positive behaviors of kindness and love displayed by her mother and avoid her father’s authoritarianism, sexism, and distant behavior. So, that was parenting hack #1. 

Next, it's time to learn some other TRICKS!

In case of an emergency, do you leave your children with your neighbors? When your kid goes to summer camp, do you call every night to make sure everything's okay? When your kid makes a new friend, do you grill them about that friend's family and values? Come on now, why don't we just say it: we don't really trust anybody now, do we? 

The author has some statistics that prove most Americans are facing a trust-deficit situation today. The 2018 Edelman Trust Barometer survey analyzed people’s trust in government institutions and found out that the US recorded the biggest drop in trust. A 2015 Pew Research study showed that just 52% of people trusted their neighbors in the USA. What’s more shocking is that only 19% of millennials believe people can be trusted! 

Wojcicki herself got a glimpse of this. Once, she took her eight-year-old granddaughters to a Target store and permitted them to shop independently for an hour. Her motive was to give a sense of independence to the growing children. Unfortunately, their mother, Susan, had a mini-meltdown when she heard of this. Susan, you're not alone. That's just how it is nowadays. Sadly, what no one seems to understand is that such high levels of mistrust are really bad for growing children. If parents let fear take over their psyche, it affects their parenting style. When you don't let your child do simple things like hang out at the store or play outside alone, it sends them the message that you don't trust them. Or their abilities and decisions. Your child will internalize such feelings, and before you know it, they'll lose trust in themselves. Research shows that children who do not trust themselves might exhibit aggression and are less likely to do well in collaborative situations. So, as a parent, you need to assess the current situation and learn to trust your kids and their judgment. 

The correct way to raise children also includes giving them independence once in a while.

We all reach our destinations ultimately, so a little detour is not always a bad thing! So, allow your child the freedom to make their own choices - even if they don't align with your preferences. Those little side trips can teach them a lot for the journey ahead. 

Wojcicki shares another personal experience, this time with her daughter Anne. Right after finishing college, Anne suddenly announced she was going to work as a babysitter. While any others might get a negative response from their families, Anne was free to make her own decisions. Wojcicki was completely sure that Anne would carve her own path, and figure something out. But not everyone gets it easy. 

Greg was a talented student who had a passion for the arts. But his parents were science-only kinda people. Pressurized, Greg opted for science, but putting all your energy into excelling at something you're not interested in is draining. Greg became withdrawn and depressed. Fortunately, the story doesn't end on a sad note. Greg let go of parental pressure, chose to follow his passion, and is currently working as an accomplished graphic designer! He is living a life he was made for, and not what his parents envisioned for him. 

Greg and Anne are among the lucky ones. Most children never manage to get their parents' approval. And defying parents becomes more exacting than simply attempting suicide. Researchers from Yale University presented data on the top reasons for suicide among adolescents. It was observed that adolescents from wealthy families in the USA suffered from isolation from their parents, leading to suicide. Such isolation generally begins when parents fail to respect the choices of their children. Children growing up in such households either feel scared of their parents or resent them. By adolescence, most parent-children relationships reach a complete breakdown, leading to feelings of isolation in adolescents. 

In the author’s case, her respect for her daughter’s choices worked well. Anne finally got a great job in an investment firm and succeeded without any parental guidance. And it will always work well. The ability to trust a child to make both right and wrong choices

goes a long way to ensuring happiness and success in an individual’s life journey. Next, parents need to foster a healthy attitude toward failure in their children.

Amy Chua is a highly influential figure when it comes to parenting philosophies. In her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, she glorifies the hardcore achievement-driven way she was brought up. She is totally blunt that in her family, being kind or happy was never a priority. All that counted was churning out over-competitive kids who'd crush the competition. 

Sadly, Chua's priorities seem to reflect a broader parenting trend - ‘helicopter parenting!’

Helicopter parents ‘hover’ over their children all the time. Such parents take all possible steps to set their kids up for success, caring little whether the experience nurtures compassion or not. 

Prioritizing kindness over personal ambition is something our society no longer believes in! Wojcicki shares another personal anecdote here. When the author's terminally ill mother had to move to a hospice, she hoped her mom would find peace in her final days. Tragically, the negligent staff ignored her on multiple occasions, failing to provide basic comfort in her last moments. It was only thanks to the author's daughter Anne, who took two weeks' leave from work and looked for a genuine hospice for her ailing grandmother. Anne’s kindness ensured her grandmother spent her last days in a comfortable hospice. Anne's simple act of kindness stood in stark contrast to the indifference around her. 

In a study by Harvard University’s Making Caring Common Project, more than 80% of 10,000 surveyed children choose their personal ambitions over compassion for others. Only 20% believed that caring for others can be a worthy goal in life. But do you know what the most astonishing findings of the project were? The majority of children felt that their parents would be way more proud of them acing their classes versus spending time helping out in the community or something. 

Parenting has to change if we want to encourage kindness and independence in our children. Ensuring a lifetime of success and happiness is all well and good but what’s the point of winning if you lose your humanity on the way?

Isn't it funny how when we become parents, we suddenly realize just how much our own parents did for us? Becoming a parent yourself shifts your perspective and makes you see just how much you have to be grateful for from your own childhood, even if it wasn't perfect. Now we have the chance to pass that gift of nurturing forward with our own kids. Teaching children to be aware of all that they have, and to thank the people in their lives who care for them, has been proven to greatly benefit their long-term wellbeing and happiness. Besides, helping your kid to be kind can boomerang right back with big benefits for them. Duh, kind people make awesome neighbors because they're so thoughtful and helpful. But being a mensch pays off for the kind kids themselves even more! Do you know how saying "thanks" regularly can make you happier? A 2018 study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that grateful teens often have higher optimism and are less likely to fall into depression. And the awesome thing is, those good vibes stick with them even when measured later as adults! There's been some research that shows grateful people just tend to feel hopeful and more satisfied with life.

But, can gratitude really be taught? Isn't it just an inherent personality trait some kids have more than others? The research shows that gratitude is absolutely something that can be fostered. Simple consistent actions that reinforce thankfulness and appreciation make children demonstrably more likely to feel and spread gratitude themselves. It just takes commitment and creativity from us as parents. Want ideas? 

Having kids participate in thank you card writing or making small homemade gifts for teachers and family teaches thoughtfulness. Have them go around sharing things, big and small. Help them notice small joys like a smoothie or a good song. There are so

many creative ways to bake gratitude into our parenting. Also, for some, the key is modeling. Kids absorb through observation, even if they pretend not to be watching us. 

So, we can absolutely nurture thankfulness and kindness in our children. And in turn, they are likely to achieve greater happiness while bringing more light to the world around them. What could be better than that?