You're on vacation in Chicago, trying to find your way around. But the map you're using is of Detroit. No matter how hard you try or how positive you are, you'll never EVER get where you want to go in Chicago using a Detroit map! The point being, self-improvement is not about working harder or psyching yourself up; it's about making sure you're working with the right map in the first place. If you want to change your life, you've got to change your "paradigms" - nerd word for the mental maps we use to navigate life. Covey took a stroll down 200 years of self-help lane and noticed something interesting: most advice falls into one of two camps or paradigms.We’re using paradigms based on the "Personality Ethic." A map that tells us how to ‘look’ good to others, but it doesn't solve any real problems. Very like the fast food of self-improvement. It's only about learning cool tricks and hacks to get ahead, like "Talk like this!" or "Do these three things!" All superficial. We need a better guide! Character Ethic. This is about working on who we are as people, about fixing things inside out. It's based on the idea that there are some timeless, universal principles of success. These aren't just situational hacks, but deep truths about how the world works. The idea is, if you align your inner self with these principles, you'll see lasting changes. You wanna fix your job, or your rebellious teenager, start by fixing yourself! Let's break it down further. Say you have marital issues. The Personality Ethic might tell you to book a fancy vacation. But the Character Ethic will advise you to work on yourself!! It says you need to become the kind of person who naturally has a great marriage by developing qualities like fairness, empathy, and trust. See the difference? The Seven Habits are Covey's way of putting this idea into practice. They're the new, more accurate map for life. These habits aren't quick or easy to learn. Be warned, it'll be like trying to escape Earth's gravity. You want that rock-solid inner character based on good principles? Shake up the way you see and tackle the world around you. In other words, if you want to make changes that actually stick, you've got to cultivate habits that are so good, they become your new normal. So, once...
Habit 1 is Be Proactive About Things You Can Control
We’ll make it simple. Habit 1 is controlling your life situations instead of feeling like a passenger along for the ride. What do we mean by that? Say you are parenting a moody teen. We bet your first instinct would be to drop into a dramatic wail and go "why me?!" but the better instinct is to realize, between what happens to you and how you respond, there’s a teeny tiny moment where you have a choice. A choice of how you want to respond and take control of the situation. Always! Literally!
Viktor Frankl showed us that even in a Nazi death camp surrounded by unspeakable evil, he still chose the better response. He could’ve succumbed, but Frankl used his willpower to lift himself and others up. Even when the guards made his life hell, they couldn't take his life control from him. That right there, is being proactive!
So how do you get proactive? First, realize that your paradigms - the internal maps that guide your views and behaviors - matter more than the "facts" around you. If you have an “I’m helpless” paradigm, guess what? You'll start being helpless! But change those paradigms to see yourself as the hero of your story, and suddenly you have so many more tools at your disposal.
Next, focus on your Circle of Influence, rather than just complaining about your Circle of Concern! Your Circle of Concern is everything you worry about - the economy, your health, annoying coworkers. But many things in this circle are outside your control. The not-proactive people? They spend their energy here. Your Circle of Influence, on the other hand, is made up of the things you CAN control - your own skills, character, and behaviors. This is where your power lies.
Curious to see how being proactive could transform your life? Try it for 30 days - work only on things you can control, keep a positive attitude, own your mistakes, and solve problems rather than passing blame. Our guess is you'll be hooked!
Loved the first habit? You’ll love the next one even more!
Habit 2 is Begin with an End in Mind
Habit 2 is getting yourself THE ultimate GPS - a personal mission statement to keep you headed in the right direction. No matter how many diversion there are, your GPS will guide you. That's the power of Begin with the End in Mind. Highly effective people know having a clear vision of who you want to be and what you want to accomplish is how you live life!
So what's the best way to craft your very own GPS? First, park the analytical left side of your brain for a bit. Instead, unleash your creative right brain! Try some visualization exercises. You could try imagining your own funeral: your loved ones are taking turns at the podium, talking about your life. Who do you see there? What tidbits do you want them to share? What epic tales of your awesomeness do you hope they'll tell? Spooky fun! This’ll help flush out what really matters most deep down. You’ll be surprised to see how many ‘important’ things become totally useless once you’re… well, dead! Sorry.
Btw, someone once said, we detect rather than invent our missions. So the next thing is deep self-reflection. Really ponder - what are your core values? What makes you uniquely you? What do you want your legacy to be? Get those feelings and pictures down on paper. That should help you come up with a mission statement. Oh, and make sure to include all the YOUs: parent, friend, etc and goals for each.
Finally, regular reviews keep your GPS polished to perfection. So share it with your loved ones. And whenever you feel like you’re losing it, simply open up your GPS and you’ll refresh your sense of purpose and direction. When you Begin with the End in Mind, you just can’t feel lost.
Would you look at that! We’re already at Habit 3!
Habit 3 Is Put First Things First
Okay then! Habit 3! Habit 3 is putting the important stuff first instead of just reacting to whatever pops up. You ever had a day where you're just putting out fires and rushing from one thing to the next? Habit 3 helps with that! It teaches us to take back control and organize our time in the smartest way. Here’s how you go about it.
Take your daily tasks and split em into four boxes - Quadrant 1 is urgent AND important - true emergencies that can't wait. Like dealing with a burst pipe. Quad 2 is important but not urgent. Think about your top priorities in life using Habit 2. Family? Career? Health? That’s Quadrant 2. Quad 3 though is urgent but NOT important - things that just feel urgent in the moment but don't actually move the needle. This'd include responding to social media notifications as soon as they pop up and such stuff. And then we have the neither urgent nor important Quad 4. You know this one: mindlessly scrolling or gossiping or just anything unproductive.
Where do you think you spend your time? We bet our right arm, it's not in Quad 2! And that’s where you’re messing it up. Because Quad 2 is where the magic happens. Important things that aren't pressing like relationships, learning, or planning projects.
Ever notice how those are the first things to get pushed aside when you're swamped? Highly effective folks flip the script. Sure, they still deal with Quadrant 1 stuff, but they also optimize Quadrant 2. Wanna know how?
By taking a weekly view, not just a daily one. When you see your whole schedule, it's easier to carve out Quadrant 2 slots and purposefully execute them. So, schedule time for relationships, preparing for the future, relaxing - not just reacting to whatever screams the loudest that day! This is called working in Quadrant 2.
Think there’s not enough time? You could always adopt a teammate to delegate tasks to. Someone to handle yardwork for you, for example. Covey did this once with what he calls stewardship delegation. Make people responsible for something and they'll surprise you with their results! He made his son the “steward” of the yard, with zero nagging from him. And it worked! Yardwork was no longer on his to-do list.
Habit 4 is Think Win-Win
Habit 4 is our favourite! Habit 4 is basically everybody wins. We’ll explain all there is to it in a moment. First, a story!
Covey mentions some company which held a "Race to Bermuda" contest. The president of this company would talk about cooperation, but then set up this competition where only one manager could win a trip to Bermuda. That’s not cooperation, right? It’s competition. By instinct, you’ll start doing WHATEVER it takes to win. It’s planting the-each-man-for-themselves ideology in your head, and even worse, it is a win-lose environment. There are other such lame paradigms people often use:
Lose-Win: "You win, I lose"
Lose-Lose: "We both lose"
Win: "I win, and I don't care about you" (Ouch!)
All bad! But then there’s win-win. You're not just trying to win the race to Bermuda, but you're trying to make sure everyone gets a sweet vacation. That's the essence of win-win thinking. You win. They win. Everybody's happy!
Totally satisfying!
Now! It does require some serious character development. Be mature, to begin with. And have an abundance mentality. Believe that there's enough pie for everyone. Win-win isn't just about being nice. It's about creating agreements that work for everyone. For example: when Covey’s daughter turned 16, they came up with a win-win agreement. She gets the car, is responsible for it, parents get peace of mind, and everyone's clear on the expectations. Win-win!
Now, we know what you're thinking: "That’s impractical in a cutthroat environment?" But, that’s exactly where it’s most needed! You just need to use this:
See the problem from the other person's view. Then try and identify the key issues. For example, you might be thinking "I want a raise," but the underlying issue could be "I need to feel valued and secure in my job." Next, determine what a good solution looks like for everyone. Try finding creative ways. Maybe instead of just 1 person getting to Bermuda, everyone gets some reward and recognition. Get the point?
Let’s move on then.
Habit 5 is Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
So, what's this "Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood" business all about? Well, it’s all about improving our communication skills. Listen to understand, not just to reply. Like when you're telling your friend about your awful day, and they're just waiting for to jump in with their own story. THAT’S exactly what Habit 5 is trying to fix!
Most of us listen with the intent to respond. There are other types, too. Sometimes we ignore people; sometimes we pretend to listen, nodding while thinking about our own messes, sometimes we only hear bits and pieces, and sometimes we pay attention to the words. But we're aiming for the secret level 5: Empathic listening! It's about understanding both the words and the emotions behind them. It's listening with your heart, y’know. This isn't just about nodding and saying "uh-huh" a lot. Reflect on what they’re saying. Genuinely try to see the world through their eyes. Put on their metaphorical glasses and see things from their perspective. Next time you're in a conversation, try to rephrase what the other person is saying and reflect their feelings. For example:
"Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!"
"Sounds like you're really frustrated with school."
“Hell, yes! Know what happened today…..”
See what we did there? We acknowledged the feeling of frustration and opened the door for more sharing, without probing! This is loosely based on a Greek philosophy about ethos, pathos, and logos. Ethos is about showing you're credible. Like, "Hey, I totally understand what you’re talking about!" Pathos is about connecting emotionally. And logos? That's where you lay out your logic. Give advice, point out solutions. But, first ethos and pathos. Cool?
Once you've mastered this empathic listening, then, and only then, can you be understood! See, emphatic listening is like investing in an "Emotional Bank Account" - the more you understand others, the more they're likely to understand you deeply too. So, practice and eventually people will return the favour. Little tip? Try role-playing tough conversations. Imagine understanding your boss or coworkers better. It’s fun.
Now! Let’s talk about synergy!
Habit 6 is Synergize
Synergy, or as we like to call it, "The Magical Art of Making 1+1=3!" Synergy is when you throw different folks together and let the magic happen! See, we're all unique snowflakes with our own cool skills and not-so-cool weak spots. But when we team up and collate our best bits? We're create the Avengers! We cover each other's backs and amp up the good stuff. And we get something way more epic than any of us could cook up solo! Synergy is being in a room with someone who sees the world completely differently from you and using those differences and creating something even more awesome than what you could do alone. And that's how you tap into the power of synergy. You create an environment where ideas flow freely. You encourage everyone to share their thoughts, no matter how different they might seem. When you blend these diverse perspectives, you'll often stumble upon solutions that are truly innovative.Covey defines it simply as "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts."Covey also mentions this perfect example: It’s vacation season. A husband wants to take the family on a fishing trip to the lake, a plan he's been looking forward to all year. His wife, however, wants to use the vacation time to visit her ailing mother who lives 250 miles away. Evidently, this difference in desires could lead to conflict. The couple might argue, each defending their position, or they might settle for a compromise that leaves neither fully satisfied. But, since the couple has invested in the emotional bank, and since they think win-win, they’ll synergize! Perhaps they could find a fishing-spot close to their mother’s place. That makes everyone happy, right?Now, you won’t always have someone… likeable on the other side. Like, they could be a real jerk. Well, people, if you can’t synergize there, you ain’t really getting it! Instead of seeing them as a pain, think, "Wow, they see things SO differently from me. How fascinating! How can this different perspective help us create a better solution?"And of course, synergy isn't about playing nice. It's about creating something better than anyone could have imagined alone. It's about turning "Me vs. You" into "Us vs. The Problem." Win-win, you know. That’s how you make, as Covey says, "One plus one equal three or more." Okay. So that covers all our habits. Personal, and public....
Sharpen The Saw – Look After Yourself
Habit 7 is taking care of your saw before chopping off trees, as Covey puts it. You can use whatever metaphor works for you. Perhaps a personal self-care garden? The point being, take a deep, roots-to-leaves approach to nurturing yourself – that’s our 7th habit – renew and replenish. Now! Here's your four-plot garden plan:You start with the Physical. The one where you grow your energy and vitality. We have the usual things here; exercise, proper nutrition, and rest. Btw, Covey shares a formula for ideal heart rate during exercise: 220 minus your age, multiplied by 0.6 to 0.8. So, if you're 40, you're aiming for a heart rate between 108 and 144 beats per minute. No need for a fancy gym membership - a brisk walk or some push-ups can do the trick! Useful!Then we have the Spiritual. Somewhere you cultivate your values and principles. It can be activities like meditation, reading inspirational literature, or communing with nature. Remember, this is about feeding your soul, not your Instagram.Nothing’s useful without a healthy mind, right? That’s our third dimension. Cater to that, too. Go for continuous learning, reading, writing, and organizing. Covey once spent a year in Hawaii just to write and study. While we can't all jet off to tropical paradises, we can carve out time for mental growth. Maybe start with 15 minutes of reading a day? Don’t get engrossed, because you also need to care for your social and emotional tree – our 4th dimension. Nurture your relationships – personal and professional! Make time for the people in your life – don’t let your mission make you loose sight of this. Get in some quality time and genuine communication. The thing is if you don’t take care of you, it’ll get difficult to want to keep all these great habits we’ve been learning. When you balance all four areas, it creates an effectiveness in all aspects of life. Besides, habits won’t do much unless you work to create a real change from the inside out. Don’t just hack at the leaves of your attitude, change the "fabric of thought!" And while you’re at it, aim for being a good "transition person." See, you’re the link between the past and the future. Your choices can change a lot. You have the power to break negative cycles and create positive ones for future generations. Try to keep that in...
Summary
So yeah. Start small, but start today. You will struggle at times; Covey did, too. And that’s alright. We can’t be perfect, y’know. And we know for a fact that there’s something fulfilling alongside this struggle. And that makes it all worthwhile. So, get started on yourself, and you’ll love what you are becoming.
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About the Author
Stephen R. Covey is a renowned leadership authority, family expert, teacher, organizational consultant, and co-founder of FranklinCovey Co. He is author of several international bestsellers, including The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which has sold over 20 million copies. He was named one of TIME Magazine's 25 Most Influential Americans. Dr. Covey holds the Jon M. Huntsman Presidential Chair in Leadership at the Huntsman School of Business at Utah State University.
More on: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B000AQ2VAQ/about
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