Let's talk about shame. It's not exactly a dinner party topic, is it? But Dr. Brené Brown, the author of "I Thought It Was Just Me," believes it's a conversation we need to have. Why? Because shame affects all of us! Ever felt like your doubts, fears, and insecurities were a personal flaw, a unique brand of inadequacy? That’s the shame talking. And you're not alone in this. For years, millions have carried these burdens silently, convinced their struggles were...
Understand shame and its impact
“You’re inadequate!” That’s the voice of shame, as we just said. But what exactly is it? To begin understanding shame, meet a woman Brené came across. She felt profound shame about her body after her third child. Her struggle with body image wasn’t just a personal issue—it was a reflection of societal standards that tell women they must look a certain way to be valued. Shame is that moment of doubt, that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach...
Empathy is the antidote to shame
How does shame sneak up on us? Ever thought of that? It's not like we wake up in the morning and decide, "Today's a great day to feel inadequate!" right? So, what happens exactly? Shame creeps in when we're at our most vulnerable. Say you've had a rough day, and you reach out to a friend. You're hoping for a listening ear, but instead, you get a dismissive "That's not so bad!" This is where shame finds its foothold. We...
The First Element – Recognize shame and understand its triggers to build shame resilience
It’s very hard to see where you’re going in a heavy fog, right? Walking with shame is exactly like that! So how do we clear the air and brighten your path? Shame resilience!!! Think of it as your personal foghorn. Just like a foghorn helps ships navigate through thick fog, shame resilience helps us push through the dense clouds of shame. How? By building shame resilience! Building shame resilience is important. Without it, the hidden emotional tripwires can set off...
The Second Element – Practice critical awareness
A few years back, Brené was giving a midday lecture to a room full of medical students, residents, and faculty. These sessions were routine, and as usual, lunch was sponsored by a pharmaceutical company. About twenty minutes into her talk on shame and health, she noticed the audience's attention drifting. Most of them were more focused on their pizza than her words. So, she decided to shake things up. “How’s the pizza?” she asked suddenly. The room fell silent as...
The Third Element – Reach out
By now, you should know that each one of us, no matter our background or beliefs, is battling with the feelings of inadequacy, scarcity, and isolation. And yet we’re afraid to expose our vulnerabilities. But the day we find the courage to share our experiences and listen compassionately to others, we strip shame of its power. Because shame thrives in isolation, remember? It is powerless out in the open. And reaching out is the way out!Let us take you through...
The Fourth Element – Speak shame
Would you agree if we say that pain, whether physical or emotional, can be incredibly isolating when we lack the words to express it? Of course you would! And this seems especially true for shame, a form of pain that defies easy explanation. Without the right language, many of us either shut down or accept someone else’s interpretation of our feelings, just to find some relief.We’ve already learnt that shame's power lies in its ability to remain hidden. So, to...
Chapter 9
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Summary
Shame might be a universal experience, but we don't have to make it a life sentence. By recognizing our triggers, challenging societal expectations, reaching out to others, and finding our voice, we can transform shame from a suffocating force into a catalyst for growth. And of course, you're not alone in this journey - and that realization itself is the first step towards resilience. So next time shame knocks on your door, don't hide - open up, reach out, and...
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About the Author
Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She also holds the position of visiting professor in management at the University of Texas at Austin McCombs School of Business.
Brené has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She is the author of six #1 New York Times bestsellers and is the host of two award-winning podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.
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