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Introduction
Let's talk about shame. It's not exactly a dinner party topic, is it? But Dr. Brené Brown, the author of "I Thought It Was Just Me," believes it's a conversation we need to have. Why? Because shame affects all of us! Ever felt like your doubts, fears, and insecurities were a personal flaw, a unique brand of inadequacy? That’s the shame talking. And you're not alone in this. For years, millions have carried these burdens silently, convinced their struggles were isolated anomalies.
“I Thought It Was Just Me” is a groundbreaking exploration into this silent epidemic. Brené, with her signature blend of empathy and insight, shines a light on the shadows we've been taught to hide. You’ll soon discover that the monster under your bed isn’t a solitary creature, but a shared nightmare.
So, we’re giving out a courageous invitation to step out of the darkness of shame into a community of shared experience – to take you on a journey where you’ll uncover the power of vulnerability and the courage to say, "Me too."
Understand shame and its impact
“You’re inadequate!” That’s the voice of shame, as we just said. But what exactly is it? To begin understanding shame, meet a woman Brené came across. She felt profound shame about her body after her third child. Her struggle with body image wasn’t just a personal issue—it was a reflection of societal standards that tell women they must look a certain way to be valued. Shame is that moment of doubt, that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you believe you’re inadequate. But shame is more than just a feeling—it’s a powerful force that shapes how we see ourselves and interact with the world.To make this invisible emotion more tangible, it’s not enough to just recognize it, we should define it. Because defining is crucial. As Brené puts it, "If we can’t name it, we can’t talk about it, and if we can’t talk about it, we can’t do anything about it." Here’s a conceptual definition: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.And, how does shame operate ? Well, shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment. It feeds on our fear of disconnection – the worry that if others see our flaws, they’ll reject us. And what makes shame worse? The fact that it doesn’t operate alone. Your feeling is a part of “shame web.” This web is the interconnected expectations that society places on us. It’s not just about being a good mother, a successful professional, or an attractive woman; it’s about trying to be all these things at once, all while pretending that it’s effortless. Oh, and the obvious funny part? These webs are nearly impossible to escape, and the more we struggle against them, the more entangled we become.As we navigate these webs, we’ll understand that it’s this fear that keeps us quiet, that makes us feel like we’re the only ones struggling, and feel shame. To avoid this discomfort, we use anger and blame as an escape. When we feel ashamed, it’s easier to point fingers at others than to confront our own vulnerabilities. This, in turn, creates a situation where we either feel powerless or try to assert control over others to mask our own insecurities. In the end, we feel disconnected – isolated in our shame, cut off from those around us. All because we feel we’re not...
Empathy is the antidote to shame
How does shame sneak up on us? Ever thought of that? It's not like we wake up in the morning and decide, "Today's a great day to feel inadequate!" right? So, what happens exactly? Shame creeps in when we're at our most vulnerable. Say you've had a rough day, and you reach out to a friend. You're hoping for a listening ear, but instead, you get a dismissive "That's not so bad!" This is where shame finds its foothold. We open ourselves up, seeking understanding and connection, but instead, we hit a wall of indifference or rejection. When we put ourselves out there and our need for compassion goes unmet, that's when shame finds its perfect breeding ground. To truly grasp how empathy combats shame, let's look at some real-life scenarios where empathy was sorely needed but absent.Imagine a woman who visits her family, hoping for warmth and acceptance. Instead, her mother greets her with, "My God, you're still fat!" and bids her farewell with, "Hopefully you can lose some weight." This isn't just a lack of empathy; it's actively feeding the shame monster. The daughter opens herself up for connection, only to be met with judgment and criticism. Or consider a mother grappling with her son's drug addiction. She watches her other children treat their brother with suspicion and contempt. "Mom, hide all your nice stuff," her daughter warns when the son visits. The mother, caught between love for her son and shame about his addiction, can see the lack of empathy her eldest son is facing and can do nothing about it, because shame!! Point being, a lack of empathy can deepen shame. But imagine if these scenarios played out differently - with listening, understanding, and compassion. That's the power of empathy in action!Brené's research reveals a fascinating continuum. On one end, we've got shame, fear, blame, and disconnection. On the other? Courage, compassion, and connection. And... empathy is the bridge that helps us move from one side to the other. And it has to be mutual - us empathizing with others and others with us. But what exactly is empathy? It's not just nodding along or saying "I understand." It's a skill that involves four key elements: First, see the world through their eyes. This isn't always easy. We all have our own lenses, shaped by our experiences. But to truly empathize, we need to set those...
The First Element – Recognize shame and understand its triggers to build shame resilience
It’s very hard to see where you’re going in a heavy fog, right? Walking with shame is exactly like that! So how do we clear the air and brighten your path? Shame resilience!!! Think of it as your personal foghorn. Just like a foghorn helps ships navigate through thick fog, shame resilience helps us push through the dense clouds of shame. How? By building shame resilience! Building shame resilience is important. Without it, the hidden emotional tripwires can set off a cascade of shame. To prevent it we have the 4 elements of shame resilience! #1: Recognize shame and understand its triggers! So! Recognizing shame? Let’s surprise you: Shame isn't just an emotion we feel mentally; it’s something we experience physically as well. Sounds crazy? Well, then think about how your body reacts when you're embarrassed or humiliated—your face might flush, your heart might race, or you might feel a knot in your stomach. These are all physical manifestations of shame that go hand in hand with the emotional turmoil it causes. Now! Understand the “shame triggers” – the reasons causing that shame. Meet Sylvia, a woman the author interviewed. She felt a jolt of shame after her company put her on the list of people who messed up that month. It might seem minor to you, but for this woman, it was like stepping on a landmine. It triggered a flood of shame tied to her fear of not being competent enough. Where did this fear of incompetency come from? Her childhood – her overly competitive father who saw “loser” as the worst thing one can be. That’s why recognizing the shame triggers is crucial. They can help us to take a step back and reflect before shame could consume us. By recognizing and understanding your shame triggers, you're not just naming the beast - you're taming it. This self-awareness acts like a shield, giving you a fighting chance to process those tricky emotions and come out stronger. So it’s clear that recognizing and understanding shame triggers is crucial. But how do you do that? By acknowledging “unwanted identities.” Unwanted identities are the self-labels at the heart of our shame triggers. See, our shame triggers are often tied to specific areas of our lives. For women in particular, researchers have identified twelve key categories. These range from body image to parenting, work life to aging, and even how we...
The Second Element – Practice critical awareness
A few years back, Brené was giving a midday lecture to a room full of medical students, residents, and faculty. These sessions were routine, and as usual, lunch was sponsored by a pharmaceutical company. About twenty minutes into her talk on shame and health, she noticed the audience's attention drifting. Most of them were more focused on their pizza than her words. So, she decided to shake things up. “How’s the pizza?” she asked suddenly. The room fell silent as everyone stopped chewing and looked at her, puzzled.She pointed to the empty pizza boxes and said, “I see you all grabbed some slices – that’s awareness. But let’s dig a little deeper.” She explained that while awareness is knowing the pizza is there, critical awareness is understanding why it's there. The pharmaceutical company offered free lunch to ensure attendance, knowing that without it, many wouldn’t have shown up. And by attending, they’re not just listening to her talk; they’re also exposed to the company’s products, carrying their branded pens and notepads, subtly promoting the drug company to their patients. “That,” she said, “is critical awareness.”Critical awareness goes beyond just recognizing something exists; it’s about understanding the bigger picture – how societal forces shape our experiences. Let’s understand this with the issue of appearance and body image – a nearly universal shame trigger. We need to ask these difficult questions to understand this bigger picture: What are the societal expectations around appearance? Why do these expectations exist? Who benefits from them? Answer these, and you’ll understand that yours is not just a personal struggleThe beauty industry thrives on our insecurities, pushing unrealistic standards that push us to spend billions trying to fit an unattainable ideal. Consider this: Americans spend more on beauty than on education. Around 80 million Americans are obese, 7 million women and girls suffer from eating disorders, and shockingly, 81% of ten-year-old girls have already dieted at least once. The media's ideal woman is thinner and younger than ever before. Yet, this ideal is achievable by less than 5% of the female population. Similarly, the hair industry rakes in $38 billion, the diet industry $33 billion, skincare $24 billion, makeup $18 billion, perfume $15 billion, and cosmetic surgery $13 billion. All these industries depend on convincing us that we’re too fat, too old, or too unattractive. And all of it leads us to shame!Now the thing is, when...
The Third Element – Reach out
By now, you should know that each one of us, no matter our background or beliefs, is battling with the feelings of inadequacy, scarcity, and isolation. And yet we’re afraid to expose our vulnerabilities. But the day we find the courage to share our experiences and listen compassionately to others, we strip shame of its power. Because shame thrives in isolation, remember? It is powerless out in the open. And reaching out is the way out!Let us take you through the author’s clients’ stories to understand how shame thrives in isolation and why reaching out is crucial. One woman shared with Brene that she got pregnant at sixteen. She didn’t even realize she was pregnant until three months in, and she told no one except her sister. When she later had a miscarriage, her sister’s words – “losing the baby was the best thing that could have ever happened” – made her feel she wasn’t allowed to grieve. Twenty-five years later, she still remembers the day her baby would have been born, carrying the weight of shame for both getting pregnant and not being able to mourn. Now, she urges others to express their grief, knowing firsthand how important it is to let those feelings out.Also, when you reach out, not only will you make peace your shame, but it’ll help others make peace with theirs as well.Another woman reached out with her story like this: Her family's unconventional structure became a source of shame. Her father was married to a much younger woman, while her mother's new partner had a string of past marriages.When surrounded by people who pretended their families were perfect, she felt judged and isolated. To counter this, she began openly discussing her family’s quirks, hoping to help others feel less alone in their own family struggles.The truth is, every family has its own brand of "weird." We're all navigating our own mix of quirks and imperfections. It's the hush-hush attitude, the pretense of perfection, that makes visible differences stick out like a sore thumb. By breaking this silence, we're not just freeing ourselves - we're giving others permission to embrace their own family's unique flavor.Brene’s third reaching out story reflects on the shame of misinformation one woman received growing up. From believing that using a tampon could cause pregnancy to masturbation leading to a life in pornography – she believed it all. For a year,...
The Fourth Element – Speak shame
Would you agree if we say that pain, whether physical or emotional, can be incredibly isolating when we lack the words to express it? Of course you would! And this seems especially true for shame, a form of pain that defies easy explanation. Without the right language, many of us either shut down or accept someone else’s interpretation of our feelings, just to find some relief.
We’ve already learnt that shame's power lies in its ability to remain hidden. So, to overcome it, we need to recognize our triggers, practice critical awareness, and build connections with others. However, this requires communication skills – learning to fluently express our feelings and the reasons behind them. And that’s why our fourth element is to speak shame!
Mind you, it is not going to be easy because shame is a complex language – one that requires practice to speak effectively. For example, Barbara, a participant in Brené’s research on shame and vulnerability, beautifully describes her shame experience: her face flushes, her stomach tightens, and she replays the incident repeatedly. That’s speaking shame! In contrast, others might vaguely describe their experience as "freaking out" or "dying inside," struggling to find the right words.
FYI, storytelling plays a crucial role in expressing shame. After all, we’re wired for connection and story. Stories are how we share our pain and connect with others! Our stories shape our reality. Narrative therapists Jill Friedman and Gene Combs note that "Every time we speak, we bring forth a reality." Women in Brené’s research who could express their shame were more resilient,and able to ask for the support they needed.
And skillfully speaking about shame is about connection. When we share our stories, we create a space where others can share theirs, too.
Chapter 9
Details coming soon.
Summary
Shame might be a universal experience, but we don't have to make it a life sentence. By recognizing our triggers, challenging societal expectations, reaching out to others, and finding our voice, we can transform shame from a suffocating force into a catalyst for growth. And of course, you're not alone in this journey - and that realization itself is the first step towards resilience. So next time shame knocks on your door, don't hide - open up, reach out, and watch as connection turns your vulnerabilities into strength.
