A Radical Awakening

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Introduction

Hey there, sister! Welcome to the start of something amazing - your very own radical awakening. We’re thrilled you're here. We're about to embark on an adventure together, just you and us. An adventure of rebirth!

Let's talk about what you're getting into. Ever wondered why so many of us are obsessed with finding "the one" or why we feel like failures if we're not perfect moms? We're going to tackle all of that and more. We're diving deep into the raw, sometimes uncomfortable truths about being a woman in today's world. We'll look at how society has shaped us, often in ways we don't even realize. We'll explore the lies we've been told about love, marriage, motherhood, and even what it means to be "nice." It’ll get all those angry, sad, or confused feelings out. And that's okay! In fact, it's more than okay - it's part of the process.

By the end of this, you'll be ready to embrace your true self. Not the version of you that your parents, friends, or society expects, but the real, authentic you. How cool is that?

P.S: Whether you're a woman or man, you've just taken the first step on an incredible journey. Let's do this together!

You’re Asleep in the Matrix

Let's talk about something that affects all of us women, whether we realize it or not. Expectations! We're living in a world that's been shaping us since before we were born, and it's time we took a closer look at what's really going on.How about we start with a story? When Trista was about four years old, she broke her favorite doll, which she had named after herself and cared for like a baby. She was heartbroken and cried for hours. Her father, a strict disciplinarian, told her to stop crying or she would get a spanking. This threat made Trista cry even more. When Trista continued crying at the dinner table, her father lost his temper. He broke the rest of Trista's doll and dumped the broken doll in the garbage. Trista broke that day. As if her father had broken her into pieces and thrown her away. She wanted to cry, scream, and even hit him, but instead, she froze. Because no one came to comfort her or rescue her. As Tsabary says, this was how Trista's "lifetime armor of emotional stoicism formed." As a mom later on, Trista found herself struggling to connect with her own teenage son. Why? Because she had learned to bury her emotions, including love, deep. Trista's story isn't unique. Think about it. How many times have you swallowed your words to keep the peace? How often have you pushed yourself to exhaustion trying to be the perfect daughter, wife, mother, or employee? The answer is probably "too many times to count." It's a tale as old as time, playing out in countless variations across the globe. We women have been taught to be "good girls," to put everyone else's needs before our own, to suppress our emotions and not rock the boat. And unfortunately, we have learned those lessons well. Too well. So, what's the solution? It starts with awareness. We need to take a good, hard look at the beliefs and behaviors we've been carrying around. Are they really ours, or are they hand-me-downs from a society that doesn't always have our best interests at heart?It's not easy work. Peeling back the layers of our conditioning can be downright uncomfortable. But that’s how you rediscover the vibrant, authentic women we were always meant to be. Now, about that authenticity. You feel authentic, or are you just wearing a mask?

The Many Faces of the Ego

At this point in the journey, you might have started wondering if you're living authentically. Just this question is a turning point! Congratulations! You’ve begun seeking authenticity.Our journey into authenticity often starts with confronting our ego - the protective masks we wear to navigate the world. These masks, or facades, are coping mechanisms we've developed, often in response to childhood experiences. Let's explore some of these faces of the ego. Starting with the Givers. Givers give. And there are 4 types of them. The Victim, for instance, gives up their power. Always assuming they can’t improve their lives and as if the whole world's out to get them. Like Marilyn, who always had an excuse for why she couldn't improve her situation of being stuck in a dead-end job. "I just have bad luck," she'd say. Marilyn felt that everything was always happening to her, never taking responsibility for her own life. It took a lot of work for her to realize she wasn't helpless after all. Then there's the Martyr, giving up their own needs. Exemplified by Sasha. Sasha was a corporate lawyer, mom, and daughter caring for an invalid father, wife to a busy CEO, and volunteer. She did it all, and then some. Look closely, and you’ll realize this woman doesn’t know how to say “no!!” And in doing that, she is sacrificing her own well-being! Classic martyr.Next is the Savior who’re often found in helping professions. Help givers; rescuing others, while ignoring their own self. Tsabary was one. She thought she was being helpful, when she came to the rescue of people who didn’t even need rescuing. Like, she had to fight the urge to give the random people at bus stops lifts. See the extreme? Underneath it all, she was avoiding the pain she got from seeing others suffer. She says: "I was so uncomfortable with their tears that I was actually trying to save myself from the pain of seeing them suffer." And she was avoiding this pain by constantly trying to rescue and help others, even when they didn't ask for or need her help. This helped her feel superior. It took a wise supervisor to show her how she was actually making her clients dependent on herself, not empowering them. Lastly among the Givers, we have the Bleeding Empath. They give away their identity. They feel others' pain so deeply, they lose...

We’re Surrounded by the Fog

Women and children often live with a subconscious wariness around men. We grow up knowing men are in charge, and with that comes an awareness of potential threat. It's not paranoia — it's an instinct honed by countless instances of violation against us. This awareness shapes our psyche in profound ways. And leads to ‘the fog’.What is the fog, you ask? Consider it a state of unawareness that clouds our perception of reality. In this fog, we often can't see things as they truly are. We rationalize ill treatment, silence our authentic voices, and adopt roles we think are expected of us. It's a state where fear reigns - fear of rejection, failure, loneliness, and abuse. Living in the fog means losing touch with our true selves, suppressing our experiences and emotions for the sake of harmony.Take Tsabary’s client Pam, for example. She called her after a particularly exhausting day of taking care of everyone else's needs — her elderly mother, her ailing sister, her children, her husband. Pam thought putting others' needs before her own was what she was supposed to do. She didn't realize the toll it was taking on her health, her marriage, and her relationships with her children. Pam was playing the roles of fixer, giver, and rescuer without even realizing it. These roles were her way of seeking love and validation, but they were slowly destroying her. And even if Pam was receiving love and validation from playing these roles, this is so very toxic. Love is not a payment for a service! Love shouldn't come at the cost of her wellbeing and authentic self, should it? That's not love at all. But unfortunately, many women, like Pam, are in this fog which makes us believe that as a woman, to receive love, we must self-sacrifice. We believe that by embodying these roles, we'll receive the love we desperately seek. Pam's compulsive caretaking is a direct result of conditioning, where women are taught that their value lies in self-sacrifice and meeting others' needs. This behavior of suppressing her authentic feelings is rooted in a subconscious fear of rejection or powerlessness. By constantly playing the roles of fixer and rescuer, Pam seeks the validation and security she believes she needs in a society where women often feel subtly threatened or undervalued.Now the thing is, when we live in the fog for too long, it leads to...

Patriarchy and the Fog

So, Shefali says patriarchy is like a factory – a fog creating factory. It's the system that keeps women trapped in a haze of expectations, limitations, and fear.Tsabary shares her experiences growing up, and it's not an easy read. By age twelve, she'd already faced unwanted attention and abuse from men, including relatives. Her unique eye color and early physical development made her a target. And she felt she couldn't speak up. Why? Because she thought she needed to protect her parents from the pain of knowing. That's the fog talking. It whispers that we should suffer in silence, that our pain is less important than others' comfort. This is how the fog works - it keeps us in the dark, unprepared for the realities we'll face.This fog seeps into every aspect of our lives. It's there when we're afraid to walk alone at night. It's there when we second-guess our outfit choices, wondering if we're "asking for attention." It's there when we’re hesitant to walk past a group of guys. Speaking of, this one time Tsabary was in an elevator with two of her friends when a young man walked in. He casually entered the elevator where the three women were already standing, not even looking up from his phone. After he left, the women marveled at his ease in being surrounded by three women. If the situation had been reversed - if it was one of them entering an elevator with three men - they would have felt VERY differently. We’re sure all the women can relate. Plus, even as young girls, we're often taught to be nice, quiet, and accommodating. We learn to put others' needs before our own. Just good manners? Or the fog of patriarchy at work? You can’t always tell.And that’s the thing, actually. We often don't even realize we're in this fog. It's so pervasive, so "normal," that we accept it as just the way things are. We might even pass it on to the next generation, unintentionally keeping the fog machine running.Breaking free isn't easy. It means questioning what we've been taught about being a woman. It means facing some uncomfortable truths. But it's also incredibly liberating. Understanding this dynamic doesn't mean living in fear or anger. Instead, it's about clarity. It's about seeing the world as it is, not as we've been told it should be. With this clarity, we can...

Get Aware!

Alright! Your Radical Awakening! You know you have the masks of ego on and that you're in the fog. You've realized it all. Now what? Well, it's time to wake up, and it's may not be pretty. As Tsabary puts it, "Awakening is a beast." Why? Because it means facing truths we've been happily ignoring.

For many women, this awakening often hits in their forties. You've ticked all the boxes - education, marriage, maybe kids - and suddenly you're watching your teens assert themselves. It's like a mirror, showing you all the ways you've been playing small. Tsabary shares her own experience when her daughter turned thirteen. She went from Mommy to Mom.

But, here's where it gets exciting. You get to write a new story for yourself. Scary? Absolutely. Liberating? You bet! Tsabary talks about her divorce as an example. Instead of letting it push her down, it became the start of a radical awakening. She divorced her old self, her fears, her need for control. She TOOK the reins of her life! But none of it was easy. Tsabary admits her hands shook when she signed that first check to her lawyer. She cried, remembering the good times. That's normal, and it's okay. Feeling your feelings is part of the process.

So, how do YOU actually do this? Tsabary suggests a radical move: Meditation. Yep, that's it. Before reacting to anything, pause and check in with yourself. Breathe, connect and ask, "Why am I reacting this way? What do I really feel?" Tsabary shares a story about her client Susie. After a year of therapy, Susie finally had her breakthrough moment during an argument with her girlfriend. Instead of firing back as usual, Susie just... didn't. She realized her self-worth didn't depend on winning the argument.

Remember, your Radical Awakening isn't about becoming a whole new person overnight. It's about peeling back the layers to find the authentic you that's been there all along.

Summary

You can’t tell yet, but just by being here, you’ve already become a whole new person. You’ve collected tons of insights, and you are aware. That’s all you need. They’ll guide you through new emotional spaces. As Tsabary puts it, “Before you know it, you will begin to make new choices, and create new destinies for yourself.” All the best!

Key concepts in A Radical Awakening

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About the Author

Dr. Shefali received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. Specializing in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, she brings together the best of both worlds for her clients. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development, teaching courses around the globe. She has written seven books, three of which are New York Times best-sellers, including her two landmark books The Conscious Parent and The Awakened Family.

More on: drshefali.com