Nicole LePera opens her heart to us right from page one, and she does it in the most refreshingly honest way. As the creator of the #selfhealers movement and author of the #1 New York Times bestseller "How to Do the Work," she brings her professional expertise as a clinical psychologist to the table.
Let's talk about why this book exists in the first place. LePera noticed something fascinating during her decade as a clinical psychologist - despite reading countless relationship books and trying every new strategy under the sun, her clients kept hitting the same wall. They'd learn about love languages, try to change their partners' behaviors, and still end up frustrated and resentful. She saw this pattern so often that it got her thinking - maybe we're all looking at relationships from the wrong angle.
We can't fix our relationships by trying to change others. In fact, most relationship advice gets this completely backward. We spend so much time trying to get others to meet our needs that we miss the most important piece of the puzzle - our relationship with ourselves.
That means, before we can feel safe with others, we need to feel safe in our own body. And thus, this book!
The beauty of this book lies in its promise - that love isn't about performing the right actions or saying the right things. Instead, it's about embodying love itself and creating space for others to be exactly who they are. LePera shows us that by healing our connection to our own hearts, we naturally become better at connecting with others.
And now that you're here, prepare for a journey that goes way beyond typical relationship advice! Let's begin.
The Hidden Blueprint
Very often the issue with your relationship isn’t just your spouse (even if you feel that may be the case) - it’s you! And it could be due to your relationships in childhood.
See, our earliest relationships aren't just memories - they're actually the blueprint for how we connect with others throughout our lives. Here's where it gets scientific, but stay with us. Our brain develops most of its relationship patterns when we're young - we're talking about millions of neural connections forming every second. From how we handle stress, be it fight (confrontation), flight (escape), freeze (shut down), or fawn (constantly alert, scanning for threats); to how comfortable we feel expressing our needs, how we react to others, express emotions, handle conflicts, all dictated by our early relationships. A relationship autopilot that we didn't even know we installed!!
So if your family was beset by challenges and you learnt to deal with it by suppressing your emotions that’s gonna became your normal.
But there's good news - and this is crucial - our brains aren't stuck in these patterns forever. Through neuroplasticity (fancy word for our brain's ability to rewire itself), we can create new ways of connecting with others. And the first step to changing these patterns is becoming aware of them. After all, you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Shall we start with body awareness?
Your Body's Language
The path to authentic relationships begins with an unexpected starting point - your physical body. For those who are new to self-discovery, let us tell you why this matters so much.Your body isn't some robotic vehicle carrying your brain around; you need to take care of it. The science shows us it is the physical sensations you feel which actually create your thoughts and emotions, not the other way around. Meaning, when you're dehydrated, undernourished, or running on four hours of sleep, your brain literally can't regulate your emotions properly. So, how do you understand what your body needs and then meet those needs?This is where body consciousness comes in. This awareness is foundational to everything else. You might be going to therapy, reading all the self-help books, and trying to communicate better, but if your basic physical needs aren't met, you're building on shaky ground.Now, body consciousness isn't a complex practice - it's simply about tuning in to your physical signals. Deep, slow belly breathing or spending time in nature can help you develop body awareness. To make it a routine, LePera offers The Body Consciousness Check-in. It's pretty straightforward: Pick three specific times during your day (like 11 AM, 4 PM, and 9 PM) or link it to three daily activities (like your morning coffee, after-work meal, and bedtime routine). During these moments, shift your attention to your body and notice the physical sensations present. What's your breathing like? Are your muscles tense? How's your energy level? Write down what you observe and that's it! This awareness becomes your first step toward authentic relationships because you can't truly connect with others until you're connected to yourself.Now that you know what your body needs, here's how to meet those needs:LePera suggests choosing foods that made you feel energized rather than sluggish, cutting back on gluten, alcohol, and processed foods. Establish a consistent bedtime to sync your sleep cycle and prioritize getting morning sunlight to regulate your circadian clock, aiming for 8-9 hours of restorative sleep. And learn to listen to your body's signals for rest or exercise rather than pushing through exhaustion or waiting for others to motivate you to be active.When these basic needs are met - proper nutrition, adequate rest, movement that feels good - you create the physical foundation necessary for emotional safety and spiritual growth.The body consciousness practice helps you break free from what LePera...
Understanding Mind Consciousness
Know who else was wondering why their relationships keep hitting the same walls, despite their best efforts? Trevor! A successful, attractive man who seemed to have it all - except lasting love. His story opens up a fascinating window into how our minds can become our biggest relationship saboteurs.An ego is our sense of self-identity and we're all walking around with what psychologists call "ego stories" - these sneaky mental narratives that color how we see ourselves and others. Think of Trevor, who believed real men don't show emotions. This was deeply rooted in his childhood experiences with his military-father-turned-CEO who'd bark "Man up!" whenever young Trevor showed any vulnerability.As with lack of body awareness, most of us don't even realize we're carrying these stories. But don't get it wrong: your subconscious isn't actually trying to sabotage you. It's just trying to protect you, using these old stories as a shield against getting hurt again. The problem is, it's overpowering your unbiased perception of reality.And that's why we have mind consciousness - becoming aware of these mental stories running in the background. Think of it as developing a sort of mental radar that can detect when your ego story is taking the wheel. So, here’s how you go about it.Start by simply observing your thoughts without judgment, like watching clouds drift by. This creates space between you and your automatic reactions. Over time, you can start catching these patterns and choose different responses. In other words, you acknowledge these old stories while choosing to write new ones. We call this empowerment consciousness!True mind awareness is when you can catch these ego patterns in everyday moments. It's not about scheduling meditation times - it's about developing an "in the moment" awareness of when your ego story is running the show. For example, imagine you're in a team meeting and your colleague gets praised for an idea similar to one you shared last week. Your immediate internal reaction might be "I'm never valued here" or "They always overlook me." That's your ego pattern flaring up in real-time. Mind consciousness means being able to recognize this as it happens - "Ah, there's my 'I'm not worthy' story again" - rather than automatically spiraling into resentment or withdrawing from future discussions. This real-time recognition creates a crucial pause between trigger and reaction, giving you the space to choose a different response. Get it?Simultaneously, use...
The Science and Soul Behind Our Heart
Let's talk about something fascinating that most of us have heard about but rarely understand: following our heart. While we nod along when someone tells us to "follow our heart," the truth is many of us are actually following our thoughts instead. We're constantly in our heads, analyzing, overthinking, and making decisions based on what we think is logical - even when those decisions aren't really serving us well.
This follow your heart isn't just poetic talk - it's backed by solid science. Our heart is actually an incredibly powerful organ, generating an electrical field 60 times stronger than our brain and an electromagnetic field 100 times stronger. It's not just pumping blood; it's sending crucial information to our brain through nerve impulses, hormones, pressure waves, and electromagnetic energy. In fact, our heart has its own "little brain" with 40,000 neurons that can store memories and process information. Wanna know something mind-blowing? Your heart's energy extends about five feet beyond your body and can influence others around you. That's why you can sometimes sense someone's energy before they even speak.
When we're disconnected from this powerful inner compass, we often end up making choices that don't align with who we really are. We might stay in unfulfilling relationships, choose careers that don't excite us, or make decisions based on what others expect rather than what truly resonates with us.
This disconnection often starts early in life. But thankfully, we can rebuild this connection through what's called "heart coherence" - a state where our heart and brain work together harmoniously. When we're in heart coherence, our heart sends smooth, harmonious signals to our brain, helping us handle stress better and make clearer decisions.
We have a specific practice for you called the "Intuition Check-In" process for making decisions. When facing a choice, take a moment to breathe into your heart space. Ask yourself, "What is my heart saying to me?" Then, imagine different possibilities and pay attention to how your heart responds. Does it feel expansive and light (indicating a 'yes') or constricted and tight (suggesting a 'no')? Stay curious and open to whatever you notice, without trying to force logical explanations.
The journey to heart consciousness isn't an overnight transformation - it takes months and years of consistent practice!
The core message here is about integrating our heart's intelligence with our brain's capabilities.
Transform Relationships Through Co-Regulation
Let's wrap this up with Alex and Luke’ story - a couple who perfectly demonstrate how our bodies influence our relationships. For four years, every time Alex brought up something about important about their future lives, Luke would suddenly find a fascinating email to check or remember an urgent text to send. Classic avoidance, right? But here's where it gets practical for you: Alex had developed her Body, Mind, and Heart Awareness.Alex learned to notice her physical stress signals during difficult conversations - when her heart would race, her muscles would tense, or her breathing would become shallow. Instead of letting these physical reactions drive her behavior, she'd pause and ground herself, sometimes excusing herself to the bathroom until she felt centered. This body awareness was her first step in breaking their negative cycle. Mind consciousness came into play as Alex began understanding both her own and Luke’s thought patterns. She recognized how her mind interpreted Luke’s avoidance as personal rejection, while his mind associated emotional conversations with the childhood shame of never being "good enough" compared to his siblings. This mental awareness helped her depersonalize his reactions and respond with understanding rather than hurt or anger. Heart consciousness emerged as Alex developed deep empathy for Luke’s experiences. She understood how his childhood trauma of being overlooked between a gifted brother and prodigy sister, coupled with sexual abuse, had shaped his coping mechanisms. This heart-level understanding allowed her to see beyond his surface behaviors to the wounded person beneath.Now, you might question how does Alex’s awareness fix anything? The answer is co-regulation! Co-regulation is when one person uses their calm nervous system state to help another person's nervous system become calmer. Earlier we explained how bodies talk to each other and send electrical signals, hormones, and energy that affect everyone around them. Remember? Co-regulation puts that to good use.When Alex maintained her own regulated state through body awareness, her calm nervous system helped Luke’s body feel safer. Her mind consciousness helped her choose supportive responses rather than reactive ones. Her heart consciousness guided her to empathize with Luke rather than getting defensive. They started small - taking five deep breaths together when things got tense, sharing hugs until both felt relaxed, or simply holding hands in silence. Sometimes they'd place their hands on each other's hearts, letting their breathing sync naturally. These weren't cute couple activities - they were actively...
Summary
So there you have it! This unified approach is how you take your relationships from one of triggering stress responses to one of mutual understanding and support. It's time you move from a cycle of push-pull to a dance of conscious connection, because lasting change comes not from changing the other, but from integrating awareness at all levels while learning to regulate together.
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About the Author
Dr. Nicole LePera was trained in clinical psychology at Cornell University and The New School for Social Research and also studied at the Philadelphia School of Psychoanalysis. As a clinical psychologist in private practice, Dr. Nicole found herself frustrated by the limitations of traditional psychotherapy. Wanting more for her patients—and for herself—she began a journey to create a unified philosophy of mental, physical and spiritual health that equips people with the tools to heal themselves.
More on: www.harpercollins.com/blogs/authors/dr-nicole-lepera
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